30. Stella-6. Mental world

As well as other "interesting" things in my life, my fascinating walks to different levels of Earth gradually became almost constant and quickly occupied the shelf of "ordinary phenomena" in my mental "archive". Sometimes I went there alone which disappointed my little friend, but Stella never showed it, and if she felt that I preferred to be alone, she would never thrust her presence on me. Certainly, it made me feel even more guilty toward her and I went for a walk with her after my little "personal" adventures, which doubled the loads on my physical body which was not quite accustomed to them yet, and I came back home exhausted, like a ripe lemon, squeezed out to the last drop... But as our "walks" became longer, my exhausted physical body gradually got used to them; I got tired less and the time I needed to renew my physical forces became notably shorter. These awesome walks quickly outshone everything else and my everyday life began to seem surprisingly dull and boring...

Of course I continued to live the normal life of a normal child: I went to school, participated in all the events which were organized there, went to the cinema with local fellows and tried to look as normal as possible in order to attract as little unnecessary attention to my "unusual" abilities as possible.

I genuinely liked some of my school subjects and there were some which I did not, but for the moment they all came easy to me and my homework did not require serious effort.

I adored astronomy which, unfortunately, we were not taught yet. But there were a lot of amazingly illustrated books on astronomy at home which my dad adored too, and I could read about distant stars, enigmatic fogs and unknown planets for hours, dreaming of seeing all these captivating wonders with my own eyes some time, even for an instant... Probably it was already then that I felt in my "gut" that this world was much closer for me than any other, even the most beautiful, country on our Earth... But my "star" adventures were still in the very distant future (I did not even think about them being possible!) and for the time being I was fully satisfied with my "promenading" on different "floors" of our planet, being with my friend Stella or alone.

To my huge satisfaction I got total and unconditional support in that from my grandmother. So, on going for a "walk", I did not need to hide which made my trips much pleasanter. The point is that in order to "walk" on the "floors", my spirit had to go out of my body, and if somebody had come to my room in this moment, he would have found a quite peculiar picture there: I would sit with my eyes open, as if being in a totally normal state, but showed no reaction if somebody addressed me, answered no questions and looked totally "frozen". Therefore my grandmother’s help was simply indispensable then. I remember that one day my neighbour and friend Romas found me in this state... When I awakened, I saw his face seized with fear and two round blue eyes, enormous like saucers... Romas vigorously shook my shoulders and called me by my name, until I opened my eyes.

– Are you dead or something?! Or is it your next "experiment"? – My friend hissed in a low voice; his teeth chattering in fear.

Although it was difficult to surprise him with anything after years of our frendship, it was quite obvious that the picture he saw then "outdid" the majority of my most impressive "experiments" he had witnessed earlier. It was precisely Romas who told me how intimidating this particular "presence" looked from the outside.

I tried to calm him down and explain somehow what was that "frightful" thing that had just happened to me, but no matter how strongly I tried to calm him, I was almost one hundred-per-cent sure that the poor thing would have the impression of what he had seen imprinted in his brain for years.

After this funny (for me) "incident", I always tried to carry out my explorations so that nobody would take me by surprise and be so shamelessly punch-drunk or frightened... Therefore I very much needed my grandmother’s help. She always knew when I went for a "walk" and watched that nobody disturbed me. There was another reason why I did not like being "dragged" out of my "journeys" by force. When I had to come back into my physical world briskly, I always felt a very strong internal strike in the whole of my body at the moment of "rapid return" and it was very painful. Therefore the sharp return of the spirit back into the physical body was a very unpleasant experience for me and absolutely undesirable.

So, one day Stella and I went for a walk through the "floors", and on finding nothing to do without "exposing us to a greater danger", we decided to investigate "deeper" and more "seriously" the Mental "floor" which had already become almost home for her...

Stella’s own colourful world disappeared and we "hung" in the shining air powdered with star flashes. Unlike the ordinary "earthly" one, it was saturated and "dense" and constantly changed, as if it was filled with millions of tiny snowflakes which sparkled just like on a frosty sunny day on Earth... We readily stepped into the silver-blue glimmering "emptiness" and a bright and merry "path" appeared under our feet, which was made of glimmering, fluffy silver clouds, and it changed all the time.

It appeared and disappeared of its own volition, as if offering a friendly invitation to walk on it. I stepped onto the shining "cloud" and took several careful steps... I felt neither motion, nor the least effort to do it. There was only a feeling of a very easy skidding in a quiet, enveloping and blazing silver emptiness... My footsteps immediately melted, scattering into thousands of multicoloured shining specks of dust... and new ones appeared, as I stepped on the captivating "local land" which totally charmed me....

Suddenly a strange transparent Varingian-like boat emerged from this deep silence. It shimmered with silvery sparks, and a very beautiful young lady was in it. Her long golden hair now softly blew back, as if touched by the waft of a breeze, now was still again, enigmatically sparkling with heavy golden speckles. It was clear that the lady headed straight toward us; her fairy-tale boat effortlessly drifted on "waves" which we did not see, leaving very long streaming tails which flashed with silver sparks... Her white light dress looked like a glimmering tunic and like her hair it was first blown about, then fluidly fell into soft folds making her look like an admirable Greek goddess.

– She sails here all the time and looks for someone. – Stella whispered.

– Do you know her? Who does she look for? – I did not understand.

– I don’t know, but I saw her often.

– Well, let’s ask her – I bravely offered, having come to feel at home on the "floors".

The lady sailed closer. She emitted sadness, grandeur and warmth.

– I am Atenais. – She pronounced mentally and very softly. – Who are you, divine creatures?

The "divine creatures" became slightly confused, not knowing how they should respond to such a greeting...

– We simply went for a walk. – Smiling, Stella said. – We won’t bother you.

– Who do you look for? – Atenais asked.

– Nobody. – Stella was surprised. – Why do you think we must look for somebody?

– It should not be otherwise. You are now where everybody looks for themselves. I did too... – She smiled sadly. – But it was such a long time ago!

– How long? – I could not restrain myself.

– Oh, very long! In fact there is no time here, how can I know then? All I remember is it was a long time ago.

Atenais was very beautiful and somewhat extraordinarily sad. She looked like a proud white swan, when he sings his last song falling from the sky and giving his soul – she was the same way majestic and tragic...

When she looked at us with her sparkling green eyes, she seemed older than eternity. There was so much wisdom and unspoken sorrow in them that I felt tingles down my spine...

– Can we help you in something? – I asked, feeling a bit shy to ask her such a question.

– No, dear child, it’s my work... My quest... But I believe it’ll be over some day... and I could go away. Now, tell me, joyful ones, where would you like to go?

I shrugged my shoulders:

– We did not choose. We simply went for a walk. But we’ll be happy, if you could offer us something.

Atenais nodded:

– I guard this Mid-world and can allow you there. – And added, affectionately looking at Stella. – And you, child, I shall help to find yourself...

The lady softly smiled and waved with her hand. Her unusual dress swayed and her hand looked like a white-silver, soft and fluffy wing... then another, blindingly gold and almost dense road stretched out, scattering golden specks of light. It was light and sunny and ran straight to an open golden door which "blazed" in the distance...

– Well, shall we go? – I asked Stella, knowing her answer beforehand.

– Wow, look, somebody is there... – The girl pointed to the door with her finger.

We easily slipped inside and… saw a second Stella, like in a mirror! Yes, yes, it was exactly Stella! Exactly like the one which stood next to me, being quite confused...

– But, that’s me?! – The slightly punch-drunk girl whispered, staring hard at her "other self". – It’s me, really... How can that be?

I could not answer her seemingly simple question, because I was taken aback too, finding no explanation for this "absurd" phenomenon...

Stella cautiously stretched her hand to her twin and touched her "other" little fingers extended to her. I wanted to shout that it could be dangerous, but, on seeing her satisfied smile, said nothing, deciding to wait and see what would happen further, however, at the same time was on my guard in case something suddenly went wrong.

– It’s me too... – The girl whispered in delight. – Wow, this is marvellous! It’s truly me...

Her thin fingers began to shine brightly and the "second" Stella began to melt slowly and fluidly flow into the "real" Stella, who stood near me, through her fingers. Her body began to be denser, but not the way a physical body would become denser. It rather acquired a denser shine, being filled with some unearthly light.

Suddenly I felt somebody's presence behind my back. It was our acquaintance Atenais.

– Forgive me, lucid child, but you won’t come to fetch your "imprint" soon... You’ll have to wait a long, long time. – She looked into my eyes very attentively. – And probably, won’t come for it at all...

– How is that, "I won’t come"?! – I was frightened. – If everybody comes, I will come too!

– I don’t know. For some reason your fate is closed to me. I cannot tell you anything, sorry...

I was very disappointed, but trying with all my might and main not to show that to Atenais, I asked as calmly as I could:

– And what is an "imprint"?

– Oh, everybody comes back to it when they die. When your soul ends its "suffering" in the next earthly body, in the moment it says goodbye to it, the soul flies to its real Home and it is as if it "heralds" its return... It is then it leaves this "imprint". But afterwards, it must come back again to the "dense" earth in order to say goodbye to who it once has been... and in a year, on saying the "last farewell", leave it for good... And then, this free soul comes here to meet the part it has left earlier and find rest, expecting a new trip to the "old world".

I did not understand then what Atenais was talking about, it simply sounded very beautiful... And only today, after so many, many years, (when my "hungry" soul has absorbed the knowledge of my amazing husband Nicolai a long time ago) "looking" through my amusing past for this book, I remembered Atenais with a smile and certainly, understood that what she called an "imprint" was just a power splash which happens to everybody in the moment of our death and reaches exactly that level which corresponds to the evolutional development of a dead person. That which Atenais called the "farewell" with "who it once has been" was nothing else but the final separation of all "bodies" of the spirit from the dead physical body, so that it can go away once and for all and meet its failing particle, the level of development which it could not "reach" for one or another reason, when living on Earth. All this happens exactly in a year after death. All this I understand now, but then I had to be content with my own child’s understanding of what happened to me and my own guesses, which sometimes were erroneous and sometimes correct…

– Do the spirits which live on other "floors" have "imprints"? – The curious Stella inquired.

– Yes, they certainly have, but the imprints are different. – Atenais answered calmly. – Besides, not on all "floors" are they pleasant like here... especially on one...

– I know! I know! It’s probably the "lower" one! We should go there to look! It must be so interesting! – Stella contentedly twittered again.

The swiftness and easiness with which she forgot everything that a minute ago scared or surprised her and the readiness to get to the new and unknown was awesome.

– Forgive me, young maidens. It’s time for me to leave. May your happiness be eternal. – Atenais pronounced in solemn voice.

With a flowing wave of her "winged" hand, again, as if pointing the way, the familiar shining gold path ran under our feet and the marvelous woman-bird placidly floated in the air in her fairy-tale boat, ready to meet and direct new travelers which "looked for themselves", patiently fulfilling her quest, the essence of which we did not understand...

– Well, where shall we go, "young maiden"? – I asked my little friend, smiling.

– Why did she call us that? – Stella asked thoughtfully. – Do you think they spoke like that where she once lived?

– I don’t know. Probably it was very long time ago, but she bears it in mind for some reason.

– Well, that’s all! Let’s go on! – Suddenly exclaimed the little one, as if getting back to reality.

This time we did not go along the path so obligingly offered to us and decided to choose "our way", exploring the world using just our forces which, as it appeared, were not so insufficient. We moved toward the numerous transparent and horizontal "tunnels" which emitted the golden shine, along which spirits constantly glided here and there.

– Is it something like an earthly train? – I asked, laughing at the amusing comparison.

– No, it’s not that simple. – Stella answered. – I was once in it. It’s something like a "train of time", if you could call it that.

– But there is no time here. – I was surprised.

– Correct, but they are different habitats of the spirits: those which died thousands of years ago, and those that just got here. Gran showed them to me. It was there where I found Harold... Do you want to see it?

Of course, I wanted to see it! It seemed that nothing in the world could stop me! These fascinating "steps into the unknown" agitated my imagination, which had already been too vivid, and prevented me from living a tranquil life, until I, being on my last legs but absolutely happy about what I had seen, went back into my "forgotten" physical body and fell asleep, trying to rest for at least an hour to charge my seriously flat vital "batteries"...

So, we continued our little trip and now "swam" in the soft "tunnel", which got to our every cell and lulled our hearts; with enormous pleasure we observed blindingly colourful (like Stella’s one) and very different "worlds" – the results of somebody’s creation – which marvellously flew through each other, now becoming dense and then disappearing, leaving the tails of the rainbows shining with astonishing colours.

Unexpectedly this tenderest beauty was scattered into shining pieces and we saw a world fulgent in its splendour, washed by star dew and grandiose in its beauty. The astonishing sight took our breath away...

– Wow! Just look at this beauty! Goodness gracious! – The girl breathed out.

The view was so delightful that I had a lump in my throat and instead of saying something, I suddenly wanted to cry...

– Who lives here, I wonder? – Stella tugged at my hand. – What do you think, who lives here?

I had no idea who the happy dwellers in this kind of world might be, but I suddenly wanted to know it very much.

– Let’s go! – I said resolutely and dragged Stella along behind me.

Awesome scenery opened before our eyes. It was very much like the earthly one and at the same time it sharply differed. It seemed that we saw a real emerald-green "earthly" field covered by succulent, very high and silky grass, but at the same time I understood that it was not Earth but something very much like it, yet too ideal and unreal. Extraordinary "poppies" reddened this too beautiful field, untouched by human feet, like red drops of blood scattered all over the valley as far as the eye can see. Their enormous bright cups heavily swayed unable to sustain the weight of the gigantic diamond butterflies which shimmered in a chaos of unusual colours... The strange violet sky blazed with a haze of golden clouds, illuminated from time to time by the bright rays of the blue sun.

It was a sensationally beautiful world created by somebody's impetuous fantasy. It dazzled us with millions of unknown colours... A human being walked in the middle of this world... It was a tiny fragile girl, who looked like Stella from afar. We were literally frozen, being afraid to accidentally frighten her off, but the girl paid no attention to us and calmly walked in the green field, being almost fully submerged in the dense grass. The transparent violet fog curled over her fluffy hair, glimmering with stars and creating a beautiful halo. Her long, brilliant and violet hair "flashed" with gold while the light breeze affectionately played with it and from time to time kissed her tender pale cheeks. The little one seemed very unusual and absolutely calm...

– Shall we talk to her? – Stella asked in a whisper.

At that moment the girl almost came alongside and, as if awakening from some distant dream, lifted her strange, very large and slanting... violet eyes at us with surprise. She was exquisitely beautiful. Her beauty was strange, wild and unearthly and she looked very lonely...

– Hello, girl! Why are you so sad? Do you need any help? – Stella asked carefully.

The little one shook her head:

– No, it’s you who need help. – And she continued to examine us attentively with her strange slanting eyes.

– We? – Stella was surprised. – What kind of help do we need?

The girl opened her diminutive palms and two amazingly bright violet crystals sparkled on them.

– Here! – She unexpectedly touched our foreheads with her finger-tips, laughed and the crystals disappeared.

It looked very like the "green crystal" which my "star" friends once gave me, but then it was them. And this was just a tiny girl who did not look very like us, people...

– There, now everything is all right! – She said with satisfaction and went ahead, no longer paying attention to us...

We followed her with our eyes, stunned and unable to understand anything, and continued to stand rooted to the ground, digesting what had just happened. As usual Stella came to herself first and shouted:

– Girl, please, stop! What is it? What shall we do with it?! Wait, please!!!

But the little human being only waved with her fragile palm without turning around and calmly continued on her way, very soon fully disappearing in the sea of dense green and unearthly grass... and only the light cloud of transparent violet fog flew over it...

– What was that? – Stella murmured to herself.

I did not feel anything bad yet and, on calming down after receiving the unexpected "gift", said:

– Let’s not think about it for a while, and later we’ll see...

No sooner said than done. The merry green field disappeared somewhere, and a quite uninhabited, coldly-icy desert appeared instead, where a man sat on the only stone... He was obviously upset about something, but at the same time looked very warm and friendly. Long grey wavy hair fell on his shoulders, framing his face, emaciated by the years, with its silvery halo. It seemed that he did not see where he was or feel on what he sat, and paid no attention whatsoever to the surrounding reality...

– Hello, sad man! – Stella greeted him quietly, approaching near enough to start the conversation.

The man lifted his eyes. They were blue and pure like the earthly sky.

– What do you want, little ones? What have you lost here? – The "hermit" asked emotionlessly.

– You are alone and why is nobody with you? – Stella asked sympathetically. – And this place is so terrible...

It was clear that the man did not want to talk, but Stella’s warm voice left him no choice – he had to answer...

– I have needed nobody for many, many years. There is no sense in that. – His sad voice affectionately purled.

– Then what do you do here alone? – The girl continued asking and I began to be afraid that we would seem too obtrusive and he would simply ask us to leave him alone.

But Stella had a real talent for getting anybody to talk, even the most taciturn man... Therefore, she was not going to surrender and, on funnily tilting her red head to one side, she continued:

– Why don’t you need anybody? Can that really be?

– I’ll say, little one... – The man heavily sighed. – I’ll say... I lived the whole of my life in vain. Who do you think I need now?

I gradually began to understand something and, gathering up my courage, carefully asked:

– Had you got the whole picture of everything when you came here?

The man jerked up his head in surprise and, on fixing his gaze, which suddenly became piercing, upon me, sharply asked:

– What do you know about it, little one? What can you know about it? – He stooped even more, as if the weight that rested on his shoulders became impossibly heavy. – All my life I bumped against the incomprehensible, looked for an answer... and did not find it. And when I came here, everything appeared to be so simple! I lived my whole live in vain...

– But this is great, if you already know everything now you can look for something new! This place is full of incomprehensible things! – The happy Stella "calmed down" the stranger. – What is your name, sad man?

– It’s Fabius, dear. Do you know the girl who gave you this crystal?

Stella and I jumped from surprise and seized poor Fabius in a "death grip"...

– Please, please, tell us, who she is!!! – Stella squeaked pleadingly. – We have to know it! Absolutely! Such a thing happened to us!!! Such an unusual thing! And now we absolutely don’t know what to do with it... – The words flew from her mouth with machine-gun speed and it was impossible to stop her even for a minute until she stopped herself, being out of breath.

– She is not from here. – The man said quietly. – She is from far away...

It absolutely and fully confirmed my crazy guess which appeared very swiftly in my mind and then disappeared at once, as if afraid to exist...

– What do you mean – from far away? – The girl did not understand. – It’s impossible to go further, isn’t it? We don’t go further, right?

Stella’s eyes opened widely and a spark of understanding gradually began to kindle in them...

– Oh, boy! Has she flown here or something?! How did she do that?! And how is it possible that she is absolutely alone? Oh, my! She is alone! But how can we find her now?!

The thoughts in Stella’s confused brain mixed up and boiled, quickly changing each other. And I stood, being absolutely astounded, and could not believe it – that, which I had hoped in my heart to happen for so long a time, finally happened! And when at last I found this marvellous wonder, I was unable to hold it...

– Don’t be so upset. – Fabius calmly said. – They have always been here... and always are. One just has to be able to see them...

– How is that?! – We gasped and goggled at him like two stunned eagle-owls. – What do you mean – they are always here?!

– Well, yes. – The hermit answered calmly. – Her name is Vaya. It’s a pity but she will not come for a second time. She never appears twice... What a shame! It was a real delight to talk to her.

– Ah! So, you talked then! – I asked feeling absolutely crushed.

– If you are lucky enough to see her again, little one, please, ask her to come back to me...

I nodded, being unable to pronounce a word. I wanted to sob violently! I was given such an unbelievable and unique chance and lost it! And now I could do nothing to get it back. Suddenly a thought flashed through my mind!

– Wait a moment! What about the crystal? She gave us her crystal! Will not she really come back for it?

– I don’t know, dear... I cannot tell.

– See! – Stella joyfully exclaimed. – And you said that you knew everything! Why be sad then? I told you – there are a lot of incomprehensible things here! So, now you have something to think about!

She jumped with joy and I felt she had the same thought spinning busily in her head as I had in mine...

– So, you really don’t know how we can find her? Do you know somebody who does know?

Fabius shook his head negatively. Stella wilted.

– Well, shall we go? – I slightly pushed her, trying to show that it was time.

I was glad and at the same time very sad. For a short instant I saw a real star creature and was unable to retain it... I could not even talk to her. Her surprising violet crystal tenderly fluttered and pricked in my chest and I had no idea what to do with it or how to open it. The tiny wonderful girl with strange violet eyes gave us a wonderful dream and went away with a smile, leaving part of her world and the faith that there was life very far away, over millions of light years, and maybe one day I would see it too...

– Where do you think she is? – Stella asked in a whisper.

Apparently, the amazing "star" girl greatly impressed her and was engraved upon her heart, as well as on mine, forever. I was almost sure that Stella cherished some hope of finding her some time.

– Do you want me to show you something? – My faithful friend changed the subject on seeing my unhappy face.

And she "took" us outside the last "floor"! It very strongly reminded me of the night, when my star friends came for the last time – they came to say goodbye and took me outside Earth, showing me something that I carefully kept in my memory but could not understand yet.

And now we soared in the nowhere – in the strange, real and terrifying emptiness which differed so much from the warm and protected emptiness of the "floors". The enormous and boundless, breathing with eternity and a little bit intimidating Space met us with open arms, inviting us to submerge in the still unknown star world which had attracted me for my whole life. Stella shivered and went pale. In was obvious that the load was too huge for her.

– How did it occur to you? – I was absolutely delighted with what I saw around.

– Oh, it happened accidentally. – The girl gave a forced smile. – One day I was very excited and probably it was my too strongly raging emotions that took me straight there. But Gran said that I must not do that, it was still too early for me. But I think that you can do that. Will you tell me what you find there? Promise?

I wanted to give a huge kiss to this kind girl for her open little heart who was ready to share everything, holding nothing back, to make people feel good.

We felt very tired and, one way or another, I had to go back home, because I did not know the limit of my abilities yet and preferred to return until the urge to travel in space got truly bad.

That evening I had a very high temperature. My grandmother went about in circles, obviously feeling something, and I decided that it was time to tell her everything.

My chest pulsated strangely and I felt as if someone was trying to "explain" something to me from far away, but I understood almost nothing because of the high temperature; my mother was in a panic and decided to call an ambulance to "protect" me from this incomprehensible rise. Soon I began to rave and, on frightening everybody to death... I suddenly stopped "burning". My temperature dropped the same incomprehensible way as it rose. Watchful expectation hung in the house; because nobody understood what had, again, happened to me. My upset mother accused my grandmother of not looking after me well, and as usual my grandmother was quiet, taking all the blame upon herself.

The next morning I was completely all right and my relatives calmed down for the moment. Only my grandmother continued to watch me attentively, as if she expected something, which, certainly, did not keep her waiting long...

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